How to Correct Without Criticizing Your Child

Am I the only mom who feels like she is nagging her kids all. the. time? Maybe it is because they don’t listen the first 10 times I ask them to do something or maybe it is because I am just bossy and feel like it’s my job to tell everyone what to do. Or maybe it is because I was a teacher and I feel the need to make every moment a teaching moment. Like somehow if I let this moment slide by, I will miss an opportunity to teach my kids some crucial life skill like how to make hospital corners?

But I know that there are some things that are important; that I do need to teach them how to do correctly, no matter how many times it takes. (If for no other reason than for the benefit of my future daughter-in-law!)

So how do I teach my kids the appropriate way to do something (loading the dishwasher, making the bed, proofreading an essay etc) without correcting and nagging them constantly? I mean, in a perfect world, I would teach the skill once or twice and because I am such a fabulous teacher and my children are model students and perfect angels, they would easily replicate the skill and no longer need my guidance or intervention.

Except it usually goes something like this: If I am teaching my almost 12 year-old how to do load the dishwasher, I model the appropriate behavior, give the verbal instructions, watch him do it correctly and send him on his way. But he still doesn’t load it properly. So I show him again. And again. But the glasses are still upside down, filled up with dirty water. The plates are thrown in haphazardly and I always stab myself on the upside down silverware. And this is only when he is asked to load it. He usually just leaves his dishes on the counter. When he remembers to clear his plate. Normally, he forgets them on the table. Along with everyone else in this family.

But my question is, isn’t it my job to remind him to clear his plate? I know I am not supposed to do it for him, because that is raising a child who expects people to serve him and clean up after him. But he forgets. Like most every meal. So, I tell him. What feels like a thousand times a day. And that’s just the dishes. There are also the shoes in the middle of the floor (a hazard for others) or a small toy where the baby can get it.

These are things I shouldn’t let go. And I usually don’t. Sometimes I will do it for him simply because I know he feels constantly criticized, but if I do it for him every time, how will he learn? And again, this doesn’t just apply to housework because he will figure that stuff out even if I don’t show the correct way every time. But it’s things like putting in an effort for school and how to treat his brother; skills that are really important for the rest of his life.

I think maybe I began to look at it as an either/or scenario. Ether I teach him the correct way to do it a 100 times a day or he will grow up to be a helpless adult who can’t take care of himself. There has to be a better way. Because when people are corrected this much, they feel criticized. They believe they aren’t good enough just the way they are.

As I have said in previous posts, I have no idea what I am doing in this whole parenting gig (especially with the oldest), so sometimes I go to my oldest and say, “This is where I am struggling. Do you have any ideas on what might work better for you?” Here are a few ideas that we came up with together that my son believes won’t make him feel as criticized when I am trying to “teach” him the correct way to do something.

10 Ways to Correct without Criticizing

1. Choose your words The first suggestion my son made was to simply use this phrase when we need to correct him, “Next time, do it this way.” Using a simple neutral phrase can help correct without criticizing or placing blame. My son asked for a simple request, stated one way. (As opposed to how we normally do it. See #2)

2. Say it one time. One way. My husband and I are so guilty of this. We say pretty much the same sentiment 16 different ways in case our kids didn’t get it the first 15 ways we explained how it important it is for them to wash their hands after going the bathroom. Which leads us to #3:

3. Code word We have instituted a code word with our oldest son to use when we are correcting him too much. For instance, if we are beating a dead horse with the 16 different reasons he needs to wash his hands and then we get on him about leaving his baseball gear in the middle of the hallway and when is going to start his homework…he will say “Backpack”. That is the keyword that he and I came up with for when I need to “get off his back” because I am nitpicking at small things or saying it too many times or too many ways. The key here is that he says it respectfully and only if I am getting on his case about several things at once. Which leads us to #4:

4. Wait until later This is probably where I struggle the most- I say things as I see them (and sometimes when he is in the midst of doing one thing, I am in the other room and I see something else that needs to be done (like homework needs to be signed and put away in his backpack) and I add it to his “list”. I need to learn to hold my tongue. Or simply write it down if I am worried I will forget! It is still important that he pick up his homework folder off the floor and get it signed and put into his backpack, but I don’t need to tell him right after I already told him 3 other things to do.

5. One parent (if possible) Sometimes another parent offers different insight that you don’t want to miss, but often times hearing a correction from one parent is enough. For instance, we just went through this with our 5 year-old. He had made a poor choice about something. I talked to him about it and told him why he needed to do it differently next time. Then my husband walked in the room as I walked out. I heard him launch into a 5 minute lecture about the same exact issue. Any kid will feel defeated after a (combined) 10 minute lecture on a minor issue.

6. Take turns Instead of doubling up with your spouse and both of you discussing the same thing, maybe it is always you who is the “bad guy”. You are home more often, you do more of the discipline, you notice the behavior more often and so on. But instead, how about you take turns? If an issue comes up during the day that can wait, (But don’t say, “Just wait until your father comes home!” as that completely usurps your authority as a parent), just write it down and when it is an appropriate time, ask your spouse if he (or she) can address the issue with your child. You don’t always want to be the criticizer. You want to connect with your child as well.

7. Create reminders Along the same lines as taking turns with your spouse, this involves passing off the responsibility so you don’t always have to be the bad guy. Instead of having someone else be the bad guy, have something else be the bad guy. See something that your child forgot to do? Write it on a post-it note and stick it on their bedroom door. Create a chore chart or a daily responsibility check list so that you don’t have to remind/nag your children to brush their teeth, you can just wordlessly point them to the chart on the wall. Or what about a timer? Use a timer to be the reminder that they need to turn off the video games in 5 minutes and go bring in the garbage cans. For me, the goal is that my kids wouldn’t hear so much negativity coming out of my mouth when I am interacting with them. My hope is that I can teach my kids how to be functioning members of society in the most positive, loving way possible.

8. Pick your battles The other day, I noticed a wet towel on the floor of the bathroom and the door was left open (with a baby, we have to keep it closed for safety and the boys know it). So instead of piling on 2 different things he did “wrong”. I just picked the one that mattered more and I did the other myself. And sometimes I will do both. Because, especially as my kids get older, there are much more important issues to deal with than hanging up wet towels. If I get one chance for my son to hear me, I want him to hear me on the big stuff, not about the towel on the floor. So, sometimes I try and just zip my lips and wait until the big stuff comes around.

9. Start with a positive What is it that they say? Give 7 compliments for every criticism? Well, I don’t think we need to go that far when our kids put the glasses in upside down in the dishwasher yet again, but starting with a positive or thing they did well, helps children to not feel like a failure for needing a bit of correction. I might say, “Thank you so much for loading your dishes without being asked. You did a great job getting the silverware facing down this time so no one gets poked. Next time can you make sure that the glasses are upside down so they don’t collect any dirty water? Thanks.”

10. Give GRACE Above all, we need to remember that we are raising children. They are learning and growing and trying to decipher the word around them. It’s a lot to take in and remember. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably aren’t literally trying to break us by leaving their dinner dishes on the table for the umpteenth time. This isn’t always the battle for control that we make it out to be. And if we let them leave their dinner dishes to go run outside and play to enjoy that last bit of daylight? I think they are still going to be okay! Better yet, what if we give ourselves a little grace too and went outside to join them? I bet that will have more of an impact on their success in life than if they learned how to correctly load the dishwasher!

I would love to hear your thoughts on criticism vs. correcting your children. Am the only who spends too much time teaching and correcting their kids and not enough time connecting with them? I think this is perfect time for me to go re-read my own post entitled 5 Simple Ways to Connect with Your Kids while I wait for your reply. As I said, I am imperfect parent who needs all the help and grace that I can get! Oh and for those days I do lose my temper, check out  what I do afterwards.