I lost my temper with my kids…now what?

My friend and I were texting tonight about how she had been having a rough couple of days and kept losing her temper with her kids. I commiserated as summer and the constant fighting really pushes my buttons and I yell. And I am not a yeller. But I have been yelling lately. A lot.

And just like my friend, the problems have been more focused on one kid, but I have been losing my temper and taking it out on all of them. My oldest son is even old enough now that he will call me out on it. He will say, “Don’t take out your anger with kid #2 on us.” Which I hate, because he is totally right. He is right that I am being nasty and mean because I am out of patience with my middle child. I told my friend that when I am short tempered with my kids like this, I feel just this dark cloud following me around and I feel like it starts to seep into my soul. She said she wants to wash her mouth out with soap afterwards (not because she is swearing at her kids, but just because she knows she is being unkind and hurtful in her anger to her kids).

Now I NEVER claim to be an expert on parenting. I only share what works and doesn’t work for me. I try a lot of different tricks and methods (and often suck at being consistent with them!) I even used to read a lot of parenting books. Now, I just own a lot of parenting books that sit unread next to my bed hoping to be opened beyond the first few pages or chapters.

So, the point is, I need things simple now. I need easy things I can implement on a consistent basis. And as I was texting my friend, telling her that I knew exactly how she felt (the number one thing women need I think!), I realized that there is one thing I always do with my kids to try and salvage the day after I have yelled and nit-picked and nagged and criticized.

The thing that makes the biggest difference for my boys? I sit down with them. Usually one at a time or at least the one that took the brunt of my anger and negativity. With the middle kid (the one I struggle with the most), all it takes is sitting with him, reading to him and cuddling with him to turn things around. The most important thing I do, though? I apologize. I tell him I am sorry and that it isn’t okay for me to yell at him that way and to treat him that way. I ask for forgiveness.

And luckily for me, he gives it. He cuddles me right back and all is forgiven. Not only does it help repair our relationship, but it lightens my heart and dissipates all the anger that was seeping out of all my pours. The kid that was making me so livid, now becomes the kid that fills me with love and gratitude.

Of course, it isn’t always so simple and easy, but 9 times out of 10, time with me is truly all he needs.  He just needs to my love and attention instead of my yelling and criticism.  I am also very lucky that he still loves to cuddle and read with me.  I think every kid is different.  If you haven’t already read (affiliate link) The 5 Love Languages of Children, you should check it out. It helps you determine the best way to connect and show love to your kids and can help you find what might work for your kids after a rough day.

In my (non-expert) opinion, while showing our love to our kids after a hard day is important, I think it is crucial that we acknowledge we screwed up.  That we didn’t treat them well and they deserve better.  I mean, how can we expect our kids to respect us and themselves if we don’t model it and do the same?

I also think we need to model apologies.  I don’t know if it is just the people in my life, but I feel like everyone is always trying to blame others or make excuses why it isn’t their fault.  You know what?  Sometimes it isn’t anybody’s “fault”! And sometimes, it actually IS our fault!  Because you know what else?  Let’s be real here, we screw up (or at least I do!) We make mistakes!  If we model our fallibility to our kids, hopefully they will begin to do the same.  Because if I hear one more, “My brother did it…” I may just scream.  Again. And then I am back where I started.  Thankfully, I have a shelf of my favorite picture books in the living room ready to go.  =)

Please tell me that I am not the only one who has days like this- where you yell too much and know that you are taking out your anger on everyone?  Do you have any tips to share?  Is there something that works well for you and yours?  If so, please share!  After all, we moms need all the help we can get!!